Category Archives: Humorous Things

Threshold: What Does It Take to Piss YOU Off?

So what does it take? I mean to really get your blood boiling? What has to happen before you’re standing outside yourself and seeing crimson? It seems we all have different threshold levels, and there are countless factors that can influence that level within each of us at any given moment.

Yesterday, I was in a car accident. Don’t worry, I’m fine, but I do appreciate your concern. It wasn’t my fault, either, if that’s what you’re thinking. I was patiently waiting at the corner to make a right hand turn onto the speeding highway, when BLAM–struck from behind. Now I’m a pretty easy  going guy, so it didn’t surprise me that I didn’t feel an ounce of anger toward this woman.  She apparently thought I was going to turn, but I didn’t. I thought, well it could happen to anyone in a moment of carelessness, but I’m glad this time it wasn’t me.

We pulled our cars into the parking lot of the liquor store on the corner. I remember parking next to some big green “boat” of a car, somehing like a Pontiac Bonneville or similar, I don’t recall exactly. I got out to check the damage to my Civic and to speak with the lady who hit me so we could figure out what to do next. As she was calling the police to report the accident, I hear a man’s voice yelling at me to shut my door–apparently in my ever so slightly scrambled state of mind, I had neglected to do so.

I notice that the man yelling at me is in this “big boat” car and he’s now pulled about half-way out of the parking space, but he’s stopped and apparently waiting until I shut my car door, which I immediately do. I smile at the old man in the car, wave and mouth my apologies. As he then continues to pull out, he’s staring at me and shaking his head with a look that suggests this offense is the worst thing I could have done to anybody ever, I mean a look that suggests I just pissed in an Ethiopian kid’s cornflakes after stepping on his goldfish and kicking his mother in the face (I know Ethiopian kids probably don’t keep too many goldfish, but hey, I can’t help it if that’s the look  the guy was giving me!).

I continue to smile and I wave again, but apparently this old guy isn’t finished with me yet, and he’ll be damned if he goes to the grave (which looked to be happening very soon) before he says his peace about this terrible crime I’ve committed. As he is now taking the time and effort to roll down his window, I think to myself (to who else would I be thinking?), okay he must not realize the situation, that I’m obviously not thinking clearly due to having just been involved in a motor vehicle accident and that is obviously why I made such a horrible, careless mistake. So now the man yells at me through his open window, “What the hell is wrong with you? What are you doing, trying to cause a double accident??” And then he drives away, still shaking his head with that glare one might give to a malicious murderer of cuddly kittens.

Now I’m left there feeling just awful for what I’ve done to ruin this old guy’s life the way I did, but I didn’t get angry. I got rear-ended, my bumper got all jacked up, I was late to class on a test night, and was accosted by a belligerent old codger in a green “steam-boat-willie” of a car, and through it all I was never the least bit pissed off. Now, folks who drive with their turn signal on? That is another story! And don’t even get me started on people parking in handicap spaces without a sticker! Aaarggh!

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Where Do You Get Your Ideas? Pt. 1

As a writer I hear this question quite a bit. It’s an easy question for people to ask, but unfortunately it’s not quite so easy for me to answer. I thought I’d spend some time this morning contemplating this question in an attempt to formulate some possible answers to an age old riddle. There are likely too many possibilities to explore in one post, so I’ll break this up into a series. Over the course of said series, we’ll explore three (maybe even four if I can think of another one!) of the most obvious and likely scenarios.

The first theory we’ll explore is that my ideas come from my teeth. Well not my teeth directly (that’s just insane!) but the metal fillings which have been poured into quite a good many of them. Okay not the fillings either exactly, but actually from the transmissions received by them which are amplified and interpreted by my brain. You see, there are so many (gads and gads) of random radio waves, television signals, communication signals, WiFi, cell phone transmissions, 3G, 4G (what ‘G’ are we up to now?), satellite recon, X-rays, Gamma Rays, photons and the like all bombarding their way through the air that it’s a wonder our heads don’t explode!

My fillings act like  antennas which snatch these little buggers up from the atmosphere and amplify them just enough for my brain to get wind of what’s going on. The brain then interprets them into some sort of something that might actually resemble cohesive thought. These “thoughts” are unique to me because of how my synapses decipher them. The real creativity lies in patch-working snipets from various transmissions just like that quilt your grandma stitched together from all your old baby clothes. We might take a word or phrase from one signal, pair it with a wayward concept from another, and blamo! Something new under the sun.

Still with me so far, or have all these signals gone straight to your head? Hey, what’s with that look? I know what you’re thinking! Your opinion scales are starting to tip to the insane side again, I can tell. I’ve seen that look quite a lot actually. But remember earlier on, I already professed to you that I am not insane. If I were, people would have easily mistaken my insanity for genius, and I’d be quite famous by now.

As evidence to support this theory (and validate my own sanity) I present Lucille Ball. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about, but if you don’t, let me explain. Lucille Ball claimed she was able to pick up radio waves through the fillings in her teeth. She could even listen to her favorite radio station without the need of a radio. This ability is reported to have led to the capture of Japanese spies during the war. Here’s a quote from Ms. I Love Lucy herself concerning the incident:

All of a sudden, my mouth started jumping. It wasn’t music this time, it was Morse code. It started softly, and then de-de-de-de-de-de. As soon as it started fading, I stopped the car and then started backing up until it was coming in full strength. DE-DE-DE-DE-DE-DE DE-DE-DE-DE! I tell you, I got the hell out of there real quick. The next day I told the MGM Security Office about it, and they called the FBI or something, and sure enough, they found an underground Japanese radio station. It was somebody’s gardener, but sure enough, they were spies.

Well that about does it for theory number one. I’ll warn you though, next time we might delve into a theory that could be considered just a bit odd. Stay tuned!

 


Delicious Wine, Sour Grapes

Screw the cold. Science needs to cure the common hangover. Seriously. Like now! That Yellow Tail Merlot was so fabulous and delicious last night, but now it feels like I got whipped in the head by that damn Kangaroo’s tail. Stop looking at me like that, Kangaroo!

I’ve got responsibilities here. I’ve got a baby to look after, a blog to write, tweeps to entertain, a novella and two poetry chapbooks to edit. I’m swamped. I have absolutely zero time to deal with nausea, confusion, head pounding, stomach churning, and the souring remnants of those plum notes in my mouth.

Are you listening to me, Science? Hello? You’d better not be ignoring me. I need a cure, and I need it yesterday. The baby was supposed to sleep ’til like nine-thirty, not be happily singing in her crib at seven. It’s not her fault. But oh God, I really can’t deal. I just needed a few more minutes to sleep this off.

Get on the stick, Science! We need your best men on this (that’s what she said!). And I’m not talking some silly “miracle-cure” powder-like substance that you take the next morning. We need a real, honest-to-your-momma cure. Like a nice inoculation for producing immunities to the hangover’s effects. Am I really asking for too much here? Come on! I don’t care if you have to stick me with a needle. I’ll even take a stick once a year like getting a damn flu shot if that’s what it takes. Charge me. Tax me. Just GIT-R-DONE!!!

Ok Science, let’s see what you’ve got so far. Nothing? Are you kidding me!? WTF! So you’re telling me that we can grow a human ear on the backside of a mouse, but we still can’t cure a damn hangover? Get with it already! And YOU…damn you, you damned dirty Kangaroo! I don’t want to see YOUR smug face again until later this evening.


Prediction: Five Years, Five Books

Just for fun, I’m making a little prediction. Are you ready for it? No? Okay then, here it is:

Beginning from January 2012, I will publish five books in the span of five years.

Since I am not in any way Psychic (although I do occasionally have these dreams… er never mind), I suppose you could call it a goal of sorts and not actually a prediction, but that’s a debate for another post. I’m giving myself the remainder of this year to finish my final semester, graduate, and (hopefully) settle into a full time job. Once the new schedule pans out, I’ll slip into a good writing routine (fingers crossed). I’ve already got a few books planned, so I don’t see it as being too far out of reach to publish (or have published) an average of one book per year for the next five years.

Now I’m not talking five 700+ page epic novels here. I’m no Stephen King, or Stephen Hawking, or what was that other guys name? But I can see two or three poetry chapbooks, maybe a poetry collection, one or two standalone novels/novellas, one or two story collections, and perhaps even a memoir/non-fiction book. (Aside from me not being Psychic or anyone named Stephen, I’m also no Math Wizard, so please understand if my numbers here don’t add up to exactly five.)

January 2017, we’ll all meet back here to see how I did. That is, assuming the world still exists. But if it doesn’t, we won’t really care, will we? I mean, if that’s the case, and the world as we know it has been obliterated, I do hope you won’t still hold me to this little goal/prediction/thing I made. I mean after all, the end of the world seems like a pretty darn good excuse for not meeting milestones. A notch better than “the dog ate my homework,” I’d like to think. Besides, it’s all just for fun, isn’t it?

Well anyway, I’ve heard it said that it take ten years to become an overnight success. So when we meet again in 2017, assuming that the world is still the world and we are still alive and in it, (and assuming I’ve fulfilled the prophecy/met the goal),  I will be happily half-way there!


#Howto #Write #a #Viral #Blog #Post

I’ve been blogging for almost a month now and this post will be my 16th I believe, so I’d say I’m pretty much an expert. Now it’s time for me to pass the buck as they say, and impart my infinite wisdom on to the little folks out there. (That doesn’t sound condescending at all does it? Oh good. I don’t want it to sound condescending.) So here are seven things you might need to know to make your blog posts sound important and look really snazzy:

1.) You need to pick  a topic. I know this sounds like boring work or school stuff, but trust me. Preferably pick something that is currently popular and trending. Don’t know what’s trending? No worries. That’s what we have Twitter for. And that magic little # doo-hickey you keep seeing everywhere is there for a reason: it lets us know the stuff we are supposed to care about. So let’s head on over to Twitter and see what we can write about. Ok. Here’s our topic: #inappropriatefuneralsongs. Awesome!

2.) Don’t worry if you don’t know anything at all about the topic at hand. And I mean ANYthing at all. Trust me. You don’t even have to discuss the topic in your post! That’s the beauty of it. Just randomly insert the trend word or phrase a few times,  #inappropriatefuneralsongs sprinkle in some other words arranged in a reasonably coherent fashion, then break them up into, oh I’d say about 3 or 4 paragraphs (Whoa! easy there partner, don’t make them too big, you don’t want to scare away your readership with all those intimidating blocks of text!)

3.) Use lots of biggish sounding words. Your word processor’s thesaurus thingy will help you with that. Again, trust me here, this is no boondoggle! #inappropriatefuneralsongs This technique works to mask the fact that you have no idea what the hell you’re talking about. Most people won’t bother to look them up and will therefore mistake you for being smart, making them all the more likely to share your post to their friends, hence making them appear brainy by proxy. Besides, all that variegated vernacular will make you seem quite sagacious .

4.) #Hashtag. #Hashtag. #Hashtag. Use them in your title. #For #Every #Single #Word. Honestly, you have no idea which words in your title will be trending #inappropriatefuneralsongs by the time you publish, so it’s good to cover your bases, thereby increasing the likelihood you’ll strike the jackpot.

5.) Next, and this is perhaps the most vital aspect, find a SUPER COOL image to go along with your post. Kittens are always a good choice.  Recently Stumble Upon a bunch of cute kittens swarming over an apathetic gorilla? Oh you are sooo golden!

6.) Tag your post with just about every possible thing you can think of. #Every #Possible #Thing. I can’t stress this enough. Seriously, you simply can NOT have too many tags on your post! Get the encyclopedia out if you have trouble with this one.

7.) Wait before you publish! Now that your post is all finished, check your topic/trend word one more time. It’s not too late to change it because what was trending three minutes ago when you started this epic quest might not be trending any longer. Swap out those #trendwords as fast as you can and then click the publish button.

With any luck you’ve just published a super cool and trendy blog post that will go epidemically viral in seconds flat and launch you into #World #Wide #Web #Super #Stardom.

Well that’s it for me. I’m bored now. Besides, blogging isn’t nearly as cool as it was when I started writing this. I think I’ll go see what’s happening on Google+.


Keeping Up with the Social Media

It’s Friday. I’m up early with the baby. After a bottle, she plays happily in her playpen. With fresh coffee, I sit down at the computer. It’s quiet, peaceful. Just some low music, and the distant rhythms of the Sprout channel. A perfect time to do some writing. Let’s just check the email/Twitter/Facebook/blog while the caffeine takes effect…

Oh look! Someone mentioned me on Twitter. Better send a TY mention back. Oh and a RT from someone too? Lovely! I’ll just thank them and… Oh gosh! That’s right! It’s #FF (#FollowFriday) day today! How could I have forgot? I don’t want to appear to be a loser, so I’d better send out some proper #FF’s of my own.

Ya know, it’s been awhile since I combed through profiles for cool new folks to follow. Just a few minutes of that and, my my this is an interesting blog post. I really should respond to this, it seems to be quite an important topic. Hey that reminds me, I wrote a new post for my own blog last night, but I still have yet to edit it. Let me do that right quick before I publish. Oh, before I do that, I’d better go to Google and search for a nice image to go with that blog post. Done and done!

Now just a quick peek back to Twitter and Facebook to make sure my blog’s feed is working… hmmm Twitter’s is fine but the feed to Facebook isn’t working correctly for my Author Page. I’ll have to post it manually for now and, Holy Moly! Look at all these new notifications! Gardens of Time… people need what for their what? Why did I start playing this game again? Ok. Let me just return the favors and, oh look at the time, baby needs her cereal and a nap already! And I’ve got to feed and walk the dog…

Speaking of, I’m pretty hungry myself. Ok, a quick bite and then it’s back to…checking my Site Stats on WordPress… and Ha! I just had the funniest thought that would make an awesome Tweet! Back to Twitter to share this awesomeness… Hahaha! Mentions, mentions, hashtags, blog, you tube, tweet, stumble, stumble, post, respond, RT, RT, update status, reply…

Wasn’t there something else I was going to do? Oh. Write.


Become a Great Author the Easy Way–Grow a Beard!

With the ever changing world of publishing–ebooks, self-publishing, POD–everyone is searching for the fast and easy way to become a great author. We’ve all heard the overnight success stories. There’s a gold rush happening here and everyone is looking to cash in on this gravy train of self-publishing before it skips town. Some people will tell you that the only way to ‘get there’ is through hard work and tons of luck. But, there’s another way, a simpler way. And folks, I’m here to tell you how. All you have to do to become a great author is grow a beard!

Now you may be wondering, is it absolutely necessary to have a beard in order to become a great author? Well no, of course not. That’s preposterous! But it certainly helps. And it sure is easier to grow a beard than it is to actually try writing a really good book. Writing takes work. Lots and lots of hard work. Also, it takes work, dedication, work, and yep, more work. But the good news is that beards practically grow themselves!

Yes, it’s true! All you really have to do is wait for them to grow! It’s that easy! In a way, the path to becoming a great author is as simple as Sea Monkeys! And if you don’t want to do all that boring stuff like waiting, you could just Photoshop a nice beard onto one of your already existing, beardless (and no doubt boring) bio pics, and viola! You are now a bearded author! (Btw, this is also a good tip for the ladies. Shhhh. Don’t worry ladies, the secret that your beard is fake is safe with us.) And don’t worry if you haven’t published anything yet, you can still call yourself an author, and because of your beard, people will believe you! Honest. Would a bearded guy lie to you? NO! He wouldn’t.

So now that we’re all gathered here today (uhg, I should probably re-write that–sounds like the start to a bad wedding–on second thought, revision=more work, so I’ll just leave it be, I doubt anyone will notice anyway) and since I’ve already discussed this wonderful tip which will have you burning rubber on the road to becoming a very great author in no time flat, I’ll now provide you with some evidence to support my claim.

Here is a list of great authors (aka writers with beards), all of whom knew (or in some cases know–believe it or not, some of these guys ain’t even dead!) the absolutely vital importance of wearing a good beard:

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