I’ve been blogging for almost a month now and this post will be my 16th I believe, so I’d say I’m pretty much an expert. Now it’s time for me to pass the buck as they say, and impart my infinite wisdom on to the little folks out there. (That doesn’t sound condescending at all does it? Oh good. I don’t want it to sound condescending.) So here are seven things you might need to know to make your blog posts sound important and look really snazzy:
1.) You need to pick a topic. I know this sounds like boring work or school stuff, but trust me. Preferably pick something that is currently popular and trending. Don’t know what’s trending? No worries. That’s what we have Twitter for. And that magic little # doo-hickey you keep seeing everywhere is there for a reason: it lets us know the stuff we are supposed to care about. So let’s head on over to Twitter and see what we can write about. Ok. Here’s our topic: #inappropriatefuneralsongs. Awesome!
2.) Don’t worry if you don’t know anything at all about the topic at hand. And I mean ANYthing at all. Trust me. You don’t even have to discuss the topic in your post! That’s the beauty of it. Just randomly insert the trend word or phrase a few times, #inappropriatefuneralsongs sprinkle in some other words arranged in a reasonably coherent fashion, then break them up into, oh I’d say about 3 or 4 paragraphs (Whoa! easy there partner, don’t make them too big, you don’t want to scare away your readership with all those intimidating blocks of text!)
3.) Use lots of biggish sounding words. Your word processor’s thesaurus thingy will help you with that. Again, trust me here, this is no boondoggle! #inappropriatefuneralsongs This technique works to mask the fact that you have no idea what the hell you’re talking about. Most people won’t bother to look them up and will therefore mistake you for being smart, making them all the more likely to share your post to their friends, hence making them appear brainy by proxy. Besides, all that variegated vernacular will make you seem quite sagacious .
4.) #Hashtag. #Hashtag. #Hashtag. Use them in your title. #For #Every #Single #Word. Honestly, you have no idea which words in your title will be trending #inappropriatefuneralsongs by the time you publish, so it’s good to cover your bases, thereby increasing the likelihood you’ll strike the jackpot.
5.) Next, and this is perhaps the most vital aspect, find a SUPER COOL image to go along with your post. Kittens are always a good choice. Recently Stumble Upon a bunch of cute kittens swarming over an apathetic gorilla? Oh you are sooo golden!
6.) Tag your post with just about every possible thing you can think of. #Every #Possible #Thing. I can’t stress this enough. Seriously, you simply can NOT have too many tags on your post! Get the encyclopedia out if you have trouble with this one.
7.) Wait before you publish! Now that your post is all finished, check your topic/trend word one more time. It’s not too late to change it because what was trending three minutes ago when you started this epic quest might not be trending any longer. Swap out those #trendwords as fast as you can and then click the publish button.
With any luck you’ve just published a super cool and trendy blog post that will go epidemically viral in seconds flat and launch you into #World #Wide #Web #Super #Stardom.
Well that’s it for me. I’m bored now. Besides, blogging isn’t nearly as cool as it was when I started writing this. I think I’ll go see what’s happening on Google+.